omg…i am truly speechless…..wow…my own personal demon…dead? Omg…i omg omg omg

sex

how could you do this to me? Without even discussing it with me! You are an ass wtf!!!!!!! You just think it’s ok to say yes to staying in paris for a whole other month without even discussing it with me….go to fucking helll I’m so upset! I’m left in this empty bed alone AGAIN … I feel so alone right now I really need someone to talk to  but my “best friend” is being an assssss!j!!!!!! Ugh I’m literally at the end of my ropes ….why did you give me this ring? I’m not some prize possession that you can control! I’m a fucking person and I don’t care how much money you have…go fuck yourself I’m so mad!

as of three days ago I am to become Mr. James sanders ! It’s official I’m engaged to an amazing man that I love with my heart and soul and that my love is returned…he smartfully doesn’t have a facebook…and everyone here in ny loves him. He is 32 and still looks twenty lol…he is in paris and I want nothing else for christmas then to lay in his arms forever….im trying to upload a pic of my beautiful ring but I can figure it out on my new phone. Once I do ull see it. He works for a buyrr and trade company here in ny and it requires him to travel. Which leaves me home alot alone :/ my famuly doesn’t know yet and I dnt know how to telll them…….they are alll over my fb so it’s going to be tough keeping this a secret but I have to until I am ready to tell them.i have two possi le wedding dates either Feb.14 or Dec.18…..either way one of those days willl change my life for ever……tlkng to him just a few minutes ago made my heart flutter….james edward sanders I love you! And sooon it’s you and me against the world.please dnt put anything on my fb I am not ready to telll Erica and Juan (my parents) yet I have been enough of a dissappointment already, I just wannna find the right time to tell them!

1. My audition!~~~~~~~~So a customer of mine came into my store and fell in love with me! She asked what i love to domy response was “well the occasional dick sucking, but after that MUusical theatre!” she said have you done any shows? i answered and she wa impressed! Then proceeded to tell me that she works for the theatre that prduces Spider man and that she loves my spirit and my charisma and that i NEED to audion for an upand coming show that isgoing to be on broadway in the near future! I literally stood there STUNNED!!!!!!!! and as she left she gave me her card and begged me to email her my resume andheadshot!!!! and so i did!!!!! NEXT THING YOU KNOWWWWW i have an audition next tursday! OMG WTF LKE IS THS HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!! IM FUCKING DREAMING!!!!

2. My fiends and family…….I fucking miss my hoes soooo much!!!!! like i am hvin a blast and i know that this ws the best thing for me but WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my heart aches for dumb shit!!!!!! all the inside jokes and all the tears!! i reallly grew during y 7 years in fl! But i kep thinking THERE ARE SO MANY MORE MEMORIES TO COME~~~~~~ like i have this whole life ahead of me, and i am dying to see it unfold!!!!!..

3.COLLIN COLLIN COLLIN COLLIN COLLIN COLLIN COLLIN COLLIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FML i have got i BAD!!!! i dont know if it is his amazing loooks. or the fact that he makes me smile not just from my moth bu EVERYWHERE when he talks to me i freeze!!!!! HE tells me things like “MAking you smile is what i was put on this earth to do!” UM CHEESEY but AMAZINGLY CUTE!!!!!!!!! Then i start to think he i playing me or just saying this to you know get in my pants but randomly he will be like….are you smiling? and i am like what.. he says ARE YOU SMILING!!!!! and i say not really and he wil reply i knew it, it started to get a little grey around here!!! OMG  JUST MELT!!!!!!!!! our first like OFFICIAL date is tomorrow at central park! UM AORABLE?????? he flew here just to see me!!!!!!OMG COLLIN ATKINS YOU ARE THE MOST ADORABLE THING IN THE WORLD!!!!!! i jokingly told he that ” my heart is damaged and you can blame the one before” he got so mad and like told methat who ever broke my heart is not onlymentally not stable but must be heartless because i am the most amazing lovehe is has ever had! UM UAS:DNFAS:KGNVADF:KA:FKNADK:FNA:FNV:AKDFNvadfk:vnaDFVKNadfvk;andV:KNadfVK:nadfk:vnadf:VNadFK:nvd:fn

the reason why i say this is our first date is because its the first time he actuall let meplann something! he always just surprised me at work or like randomly came and got me. ugh i am soo hesitant to like make him official because of thepast year i have. i havebeen pulld through the utter andleft  for the fools!

randomnss!!!!

BTW my spelling and shit is off because the compuer i amusing is fucked up the jey board doesnt wrk well

I CANT BELIEVE I HAVE A DATE TOMORROW WITH THIS GUY. I AM SO LUCKY HE IS SO HOT AND LKE TOTALLY INTO ME OMG!!!! AND OUR FACE DATE IS IN CENTRAL PARK????? OMG I AM SO WINNING AT THIS LIFE THING~!~~

i look like a common hooker…long night!

Today in about 4 hours my entire life will CHANGE….Someone I hold dear to my heart will waltz out of my life for what will seem like forever.

I leave for a very different change of scenery in less than three weeks, and everyone that I love will be gone!

Sitting here in this empty house all alone got me to a place I needed to go. It got me to reality. Life moves on

There is a battle between  the calendar  and the clock. The clock can only see the now, not the over all plan. The calendar can see the entire plan but struggles with the ever so present… NOW!

To that special someone who leaves today…I love you and that’s all i can say. Best friends for years and i wouldn’t change a thing. Getting to know you was an experience i shan’t  forget, but hold near and dear to my heart. As our lives take us to the unknown there is one thing that is more true than my eyes are blue and that’s “No day but today”.

“We have a connection that can wear and tare but can NEVER be broken” spoken directly from your mouth! I believed this statement and held onto it to it’s last letter and have come to realize that this statement is both true and false. The connection we share is on a very spiritual level that i believe NO ONE can TRULY understand. To see what we have seen, to endure all that we have endured, to share all that we shared, proves that we have something beyond our control. With that said a heart can only take so much before it’s ripped into microscopic pieces, until its shredded into the finest of powders. My heart lies in a very strange place. It lies within a place that both loves and hates what has happened over time. To meet you was by far one of the greatest moments i shall cherish until the day i pass. However saying goodbye will be a bittersweet symphony that shall resolute in my unamended vessel for years to come. A lifting of a wieght that has hung over me for sometime now.

With this said all that is left to say is

 ”Goodbye love, Goodbye love

   Just came to say Gooodbye love…”

I love you and I truly hope that happiness finds you somewhere down the road! Until our paths cross again

With all my love,

Panda Bear

SHUT THE FUCK UP NOW~